Metta (loving-kindness) is a practice that is similar to tonglen, but a bit less challenging. Metta focuses on developing and cultivating loving-kindness. Metta is the wish for the well-being of all beings. This is contrasts with compassion which, in Buddhism, is the wish that all beings be free from suffering.
The practice of metta begins with ourselves. It is premised on the idea that, if we cannot feel loving-kindness for even ourselves, then we cannot truly feel it for anyone else (a typical Buddhist twist on taking the plank out of your own eye). As we deepen the practice, we broaden it first to include those closest to us. Gradually, we widen the scope of our loving-kindness to encompass individuals who challenge us in our ability to wish them well. Eventually the scope is extended to include both those to whom we are indifferent and finally to those we regard as our most fierce enemies.
Generally those closest to us refers our parents, our teachers, and other benefactors. In other words, individuals for whom bringing forth feelings of loving-kindness is easy and natural. We don’t start with strangers until we’ve worked Chogyam Trungpa’s General Instructions on lo-jong and tonglen quite a bit with those we already know and we’ve had a chance to work with folk who challenge us a bit.
A typical example of metta practice is to recite (and visualize) the following:
May I be well, happy, and peaceful.
May no harm come to me;
May no difficulties come to me;
May no problems come to me;
May I always meet with success.
May I also have the patience,
courage,
understanding, and
determination
to meet and overcome the inevitable difficulties,
problems, and failures in life.
If after practicing this for yourself you would like to extend the practice to include others, such as David, you just substitute as: “May David be well, happy, and peaceful; may no harm come to him; may no difficulties come to him. . . ” (Side note: unlike other forms of Buddhism, in Tibetan Buddhism there is a strong emphasis on visualization practices.)
These are not easy practices
I first attempted loving-kindness meditation 30 years ago. I knew extending metta toward my father was going to be too great a challenge; what I didn’t expect was how difficult extending metta toward my mom would be. Unexpectedly a storehouse of resentments and pain, accumulated over the years, revealed itself to me. Thus began my awakening to the broken nature of my relation with my mom. My mom became a barrier to my ability to practice metta.
In the wake of my mom’s passing there was a change: I could now practice loving-kindness on her behalf. One might conclude that that was too little too late. However, over the years in my struggles over my relationship with my mom, wanting it to be no longer broken, the seeds for metta had been both planted and tended. In her last two months, as the demand for me to be fully present increased, the care I mustered grew out of a deeply felt wish that she be comfortable, free from stress, at ease, even happy. There was no more resentment; no lingering anger; behaviors of my mom that previously (even just weeks earlier) infuriated me no longer caused me to waver in my intent to care for her and to cause her no suffering. I was surprised at the incredible patience I manifiested. My mom was struck by my patience; others noticed not only the patience, but we deeply affected by how tender and loving I was able to be toward my mom.
Don’t try to take short circuit the practice
Some people misapply these practices by short-cutting them. For example, they might attempt practicing loving-kindness for the stranger on the street skipping over the preliminary practices.
We are indifferent to the vast majority of folk in the world; because of this, it seems easy to express loving-kindness toward those we’re indifferent to. This is an illusion. If you haven’t done the preparatory work, it’s very questionable whether you’re really cultivating loving-kindness toward the stranger.
If you struggle to wish well to a co-work who immensely irritates you, what then is the nature of that loving-kindness you believe you’re extending to a stranger. Were you to get to know the stranger, you might find them to be quite a disagreeable individual. Your wishes for their well-being might dissolve right then and there. That’s not what the practice should be; the loving-kindness we’re cultivating should be much more resilient.
Summary
I’ve tried to practice tonglen. It is much more difficult than loving-kindness. Breathing in your anger and sending out loving-kindness toward the person who’s incurred your wrath is very difficult. Breathing in your disgust and sending out tender feelings toward the person who disgusts you is very challenging. Breathing in your own fear, and breathing out calm and steady courage is nearly unimaginable. Breathing in the illness, drug-addiction, and squalor of the homeless, completely repulsed me; it felt like I was wishing these very same bad circumstances onto myself. I did not want that.
Tonglen is really a sort of mind game. The old commentaries leverage this idea. In response to the sort of revulsions I just mentioned, the commentaries pose the question: does what you imagine in your mind really manifest in the world? Do your wishes really change the world? Some might say yes; the Buddhist approach says, “No”. What you imagine and what you wish may influence our own individual behavior. But, my wish alone that someone be free of suffering or be at ease does not affect any change in their circumstances; my wish, though, might motivate me to do something about it. Ungirding this Buddhist approach is a confidence in the teachings of the Buddhas and other enlightened beings on the true nature of this world.
Where our mind resist points the way forward toward the path. Take a step back; practice what is less challenging. These same commentaries also instruct those who are particularly stingy: practice charity by first learning give what’s in the right hand over to the left hand. Thus does one begin to cultivate generosity.
These lojong practices work in subtle ways upon our mind. Consider how 30 years of struggling over metta practice toward my mom may have actually allowed me to be fully present for her in her last days. We are all capable of this if we just practice. There is a Tibetan rhyme:
Little virtues do not shun,\ thinking that no gain is won
For drops of rain from cloud and sky\ will fill an ocean by and by